gay update: still gay
Ma’am, back away from the Erasure cd’s!
As I sit around listening to Ben Folds and Tori Amos
So there has been a rash of “THIS (insert popular cultural touchstone) HAPPENED (xx) YEARS AGO!” memes glutting the tubes. I may only have been noticing them more because I’ve been home and pretty much confined to my bed while getting over this flu.
I suppose on the one hand this is meant to engender the typical ‘OMG WE ARE ALL OLD’ response. Crap knees aside, I’m not getting that. There is the shot of nostalgia being fired across my bow. Which is a strange thing for me, as I dont have a whole lot of good associations with those times. Not with my relationship to other children, not the best with my parents (which has thankfully only gotten better the more I’ve grown up) and absolutely not with myself (also improved with maturity).
So yes, it has been 30 years since my favorite Van Halen album was released (1984), it has been 29 years since The Goonies changed my life. Its been 28 years since my brother died, when I learned what death meant to other people. Coincidentally also the same exact day I punched a cop in the face.
It has been 19 years since I left that pestilence on my life called High School that still makes me wonder what I was so afraid of, why I was so willing to give the power in my life to all those other people. 19 years since I failed at checking myself out of this life. It has been 18 years since I was introduced to Magic the Gathering and The Dave Matthews band. I’ve left the collectible cardboard behind. I’ve kept the music.
Its been 17 years since I failed out of College. I spent a lot of time drifting after that, trying to figure out what other people wanted me to be, trying to live up to other peoples expectations.
Its been 9 years since I was thrown out of the apartment by a woman I’d been involved with for five years and was engaged to. Its been the second best thing to happen to me. Suddenly being confronted with the fact of impermanence. Having nothing. No possessions. No money, no home, no plan. No control. The sheer triviality of things becomes very apparent, and when there is nothing to distract you from the truth…the truth is that we were both holding onto a thing out of convenience and we werent healthy for each other. Maybe once we were, I know we worked for a time, but the more I review that in my head - it wasn’t a relationship. At least I wasn’t opening up, I was still afraid.
Its been 9 years since I expelled fear from my life. I’ve achieved more professionally, personally, artistically, emotionally and intellectually in that time than I had prior. I’ve learned the joy of silence and stillness. I’ve embraced chaos as a beautiful thing. I’ve learned to love myself, I’ve learned who I am and that who I am is subject to constant change and re-evaluation. I am not a fixed point.
It has been 5 years since I completed the journey that was my return to college. A part time trial by fire, it made me appreciate effort. More so it made me appreciate perspective as a late twenty-early thirty something on a campus of teenagers and barely twenty somethings. Most of them are whipcrack smart and as the ones I keep in touch with make me smile when I hear them go on about things I had warned them were coming. They are figuring it out, and doing a better job of it than I ever did. I made some excellent friends, the kind who stick with you.
It has been 4 years since I was the best man to the finest scoundrel and most decent human being, not surprisingly the ONLY person I maintained contact with, since High School. It remains the best wedding I have ever been too as it required that I provide not only a ring to the husband to be, but also that I walk in with a whole roasted pig to essentially ‘buy the bride’. A Vietnamese non-traditional pseudo Buddhist wedding is amazing, if only because it is brief, everyone gets to eat a pig, then out comes the booze. Shortly afterwards down the timeline I was informed I was also going to be a godfather. My godson still has 2 years til I am allowed to teach him how to pick locks.
Its been just over a year since the most wonderful person became a permanent addition to my life. I understand relationships now as something that are not about yourself. Its a celebration of the other person, how all the things they do enrich life around you. Love is beautiful but I’ll divert from Corinthians (yes I’ve read the Bible, quite a few versions) and go on record as stating that love IS indeed proud. There is no one else I would rather scream my defiance at the universe with than her. She is the best thing that has occurred - and it is a constantly recycling beautiful moment that continuously accumulates mass and power. In same ways I suspect our relationship violates the laws of physics, we clearly do not live in a closed system yet our entropy count keeps getting higher and better!
So I suppose all the ‘ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE’ memes just make me happy in a sense, in that I can say I am living in the present. I accept that nothing is under control and that I am experiencing the most wonderful and ridiculous of lives with the perfect company.
I need to stop jotting in my journals and collect them into a book one of these years!
So I’m sitting here listening to the music of the 1990’s that was one of the few comforts I had…and now I can smile an enjoy it without feeling like I am hiding in it. The music is a joy and not a blanket to keep out the monsters of life.
Also it thankfully is devoid of all those damn wubs the kids like these days. Stupid kids. Ruining music.
Day 3 of no solids…
So I’ve been off my skates going on two weeks now. This started when a bad fall on the hip two sundays ago, which made me go ‘Yea I should let this one heal up a bit first’
Then I had to be on call for work, which meant working overnight for two days straight, so then I missed more practices.
Then those overnights - you know basically getting 5 hours of sleep in a period of 48 hours? Well, they turned into a rocking case of influenza, which I’ve been dealing with since Tuesday.
So I missed another scrimmage night wednesday and I think I am gonna have to miss the GSR open scrimmage on Saturday and I have no idea if my lungs will be up to practice at Morristowns ‘holy shit cold’ rink on Sunday
I am not pleased.
The fact that I am in a place where I go ‘Hey I want food!’ and then stop to consider eating anything and go ‘Nnnnnooooo I actually just want the idea of food…’
So far my calorie intake has consisted of OJ, Grapefruit juice, tea with honey and the occasional of peanut butter. Its like watching all my conditioning float down the drain and its annoying as hell.
I have a scrimmage in April and bouts in May - there is going to be a LOT of hard work in the next few weeks just to make up for lost ground. I’m almost tempted to put my skates on in the house, but anything beyond getting up to the go turn on the kettle becomes swiftly exhausting.